


You Are The Reason

by angrybirdcr



Category: Actor RPF, Chris Evans - Fandom
Genre: Angry!Chris Evans, Angst, Anxiety, F/M, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Implied Sexual Content, Media Harassment, Panic Attacks, Self-Esteem Issues, Soft!Chris Evans
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-10
Updated: 2020-06-10
Packaged: 2021-03-03 20:15:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,843
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24651436
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angrybirdcr/pseuds/angrybirdcr
Summary: You are suffering from a really bad anxiety and depression caused by the weight of being put under the spotlight, but you’re not telling Chris. Until one day he finds out…
Relationships: Chris Evans (Actor) & Reader, Chris Evans (Actor) & You, Chris Evans (Actor)/You
Kudos: 21





	You Are The Reason

**Author's Note:**

> This fic was inspired by the song of the same name by Calum Scott😄💖This is a very personal topic for me which is further explained on HERE! Hearing Chris discuss in more detail about his earlier career and how much anxiety badly affected him, during the podcast with “Awards Chatter” for the Hollywood Reporter ,highly motivated me and inspired me to write this fic. Flashbacks are started and ended with (** *** **) I hope that you enjoy it! 
> 
> **DISCLAIMER: I don’t claim to know Chris Evans, his family, close friends or any of his acquaintances. Nor do I have any personal inside knowledge of his private life. This is for entertainment purposes only. I only own the rights to my own original characters. **
> 
> ** Please DO NOT post any of my works on any other platform or site without my express written consent. Feel free to like, comment and/or reblog. Thank You!**
> 
> Note: I’m NOT an expert on writing smut, so I hope that the few scenes on here make it honor to the story. Please be kind!
> 
> **IF ANY OF THE WARNINGS ABOVE TRIGGER YOU PLEASE READ WITH CAUTION!**

–*—*–  
5 wonderful years you have been married to your handsome and caring husband. To the world he’s only known as the sexy muscular man that played Captain America, but for you he’s just your Bostonian Big Teddy Bear. Some Days you still wake up amazed at how you became so lucky having him by your side. If someone would have asked you years ago if you imagined yourself married to the man that you only admired from afar as your best friend’s Shanna’s brother, you would have probably laughed at their faces! You know what they say, there’s more than what meets the eye.  
You were not the typical model body type, you didn’t have spectacular curves or hypnotizing blue eyes, nor did you have the career or the poise proper of someone from the industry. Your insecurities would always get to you, some days harder than others, you were just a nerdy and somewhat dorky self. Yet, somehow you had managed to win America’s hero’s heart or as he had put it, “you have me wrapped around your pinky”. He treated you like a Queen, he’s the perfect epitome of the best husband ever, never forgot a birthday or anniversary, always remembered the appointments and always showed up at your door with a romantic gesture in hand. Basically, you seemed to have the perfect white picket fence life. Your cheeks would burn bright red reminiscing your hot dates and can’t even start talking about your sex life! That man could do things… 

But you kept a secret from him…

It was eating you alive, little by little, everyday it was getting harder to hide it away from him. Your panic attacks were becoming closer and closer between each other. The noise in your brain was starting to make you lose your focus, falling into the never ending dark hole of the tabloids was definitely NOT helping you at ALL! The unflattering headlines about how Chris could do so much better with someone else, what did he see on you? how unimportant you were… and the list just kept going and going each one worse than the other. God! And what not to say about the nasty comments dropped into Chris’ posts, you had had to turn yours off because you could no longer take it. Of course, whenever Chris would ask you about it, you would simply say that you were ok. You were scared that soon he would be able to read behind your lie despite how good you had gotten at it. 

“Hey, beautiful! What are you doing?” Chris says with his charming smirk, dropping himself next you on the bed, as you quickly close the tabs -evidence of your discomfort- on your browser. He kisses your shoulder

“Nothing, just reviewing some reports for next week” You peck him on the lips

“Remember we have that red carpet event to attend this weekend” The plain mention of it sending the wrong kind of shivers down your spine, you close your laptop and setting it aside trying to distract your mind off from it

“Sure babe, how could I forget it?!” You say as he snuggles into your chest

“Ilaria got you the perfect dress, she showed it to me earlier today. I can’t wait to see you on it” A coy smirk playing on his lips. You feel your cheeks heat up under his lustful gaze.

“Is that right?!” Two can play this game. You decide to stop thinking about the upcoming dreadful night and instead focus on the sneaky greek looking god and his god-send hands working under your t-shirt, his t-shirt. Just one touch from his fingertips and you were a goner! “Hmm, what are you doing you sneaky little dork?” You smirk at his playfulness, letting out a surprised gasp feeling his other hand dangerously working at the edge of your undies. And just like that he shushed you’re brain off, your previous line of thoughts all but gone…

“You like that baby girl? Hhum?” ‘Cocky bastard!’ “I’m just worshiping what’s mine” You swear your heart skipped a beat, as you arch your back into his touch letting your head back into the pillows and tightly gripping into his hair.

XXX  
–*—*–  
You wake up tangled into the bed sheets, being spooned from behind by your wonderful husband. His warmth seeping through your every pore, you smirk at the delicious feeling of his morning wood nestled in between your thighs. You attempt to move away, only to hear him low hissing at the friction. With your mind still fuzzy from the previous night’s activities, you decide to play around a little bit, so you wiggle your legs around IT. He moans. He’s still asleep but he doesn’t seem to care at all about your ministrations. You keep going. This time around you can actually feel yourself humping him, you bite your lips at the exquisite pressure you’re feeling. And as if reading your mind, you suddenly feel his hands tighten on your waist pushing you impossibly closer to him…

XXX  
“Wow, baby! Good morning to you too!” He deeply kisses you, both of you still heavily panting

“I couldn’t stop myself...” You bite your lip still trying to recover your breath. “But now… as much I loooooove to be in your arms, I’m soooo hungry! I need to go make us some breakfast before I faint!” You tell him softly patting his arm, he kisses you again 

“Fiiiinnne… ” He pouts like a child losing their lollipop, you laugh. “However, you my beloved goddess are going to stay here, while I go down to make you a meal worthy of the royalty!” You lock your sparkling eyes with his adoring ones. He reluctantly lets you go.

“Are you?” You give him a teasing lopsided smile watching him get off the bed and pulling up his boxers on

“Oh, baby! You are so in for it! Haven’t you tried my killer pesto eggs and coffee?” He cockily arches his eyebrow hypnotizing you with his dazzling smile while making his way downstairs. 

You are left sprawled out in bed. You tightly hug his pillow, deliciously drowning in the warmth and enticing manly smell left by his body, and contentment fills your heart at the lingering scent of sex in the air. Moments like these are the ones that took away all doubts about your place on his life. But as Chris lingers in the kitchen to make yourselves a decent morning meal, your mind drifts away back to your nagging thoughts. The past most recent experience you suffered at the hands of the paps was still throbbing like an an angry scar on your skin…

** *** **  
It all started like a normal day. Chris was away working on set. You had to go grocery shopping, you actually wanted to surprise him that night by cooking his favorite meal. You quickly make the list of what you’ll need, you grab your car keys and purse and leave. It was a hot and sunny day, so just a pair of leggings, a cap, your favorite sunglasses, converse, a high ponytail and one of his shirts would do. You were happy and in the best mood, expertly moving from aisle to aisle getting the items you needed, you are soon done and are blessed with an extremely kind cashier. What you didn’t count on however was the nosy disrespectful paparazzi that were waiting for your exit to stalk you. They follow your every step like famishing vultures. You were almost done putting everything inside your car when you felt the annoying flash of the camera going off. You tried to follow Chris’ advice, stay silent, put your hand up to your face and move fast, sorry Chris but it didn’t work this time. They were utterly rude and not only did they tried to stop you from entering your car but one of them went as far as to directly insult you.  
The dam broke down when you finally pulled into your driveway. You rested your head on the steering wheel and cried until there were no more tears left, you got inside the house, bags in hand with puffy eyes and runny nose. 

Once there, you dropped everything in place and started to get on it. You felt the clear signs of an oncoming panic attack, your breath hitched as the tears freely fell taking away all the air from your lungs, you dry heaved grabbing the edge of the kitchen counter with so much strength that your knuckles went white. You screamed in between your teeth, not wanting to call the attention from the neighbors. Minutes or hours, you don’t really know. When you looked around you were seating in the floor and the food was done! How? You have no idea, at one moment you must have recovered from your daze and worked on it. 

You set everything up and then ran straight into your bathroom. You let the warm water wash away it all. You were not letting that to stop you from sharing with your loving man. You scrubbed away the pain and got ready. You put on Chris’ favorite dress on, you worked on creating the perfect hair waves but a pang of distress filled you up with every layer of makeup you added on, just like a mask to cover your real emotional state. You took a sharp intake of breath trying to calm down your nerves and prayed that he doesn’t notice. You walked down the stairs when you heard the door open up

“Oh, wow… what’s going on here babe?” Chris’ mouth went agape, lustfully eyeing you up and down as you swayed your hips walking towards him. 

“I wanted to surprise you...” You said pushing him down to crash your lips with his, your hands tangled into his hair, his hands heavenly caressing your waist…

** *** **  
Despite the tormenting events, that had been a magical night. Thinking about that brought tears to your eyes. Just as Chris walks in with a tray of food, that it’s quickly set aside the moment his eyes meet your distraught appearance and wet cheeks

“Hey, hey… what happened sweetheart?” He asks with a Concerned filled voice, carefully seating on the bed and swiftly moving your head over his lap “Did you miss me already?” He tries to lighten your mood while lovingly stroking your hair, your hand slowly drawing nothings on his thigh 

“Yeah…” You smile feeling him drop love filled kisses on the crown of your head. You stay in a comfortable silence for a brief moment before you decide to approach the elephant in the room “Why did you fall in love with me?” The moment the words come out of your mouth, you knew it was wrong

“I’m sorry, what?” He was clearly taken aback by your bluntness “Where does that question come from?” He sees you nervously bite the inside of your cheek “Babe, Did something happened? Is there something that I should know?” You sit down resting your head on his chest as he hugs you closer to him

“I’m sorry, I know that’s a stupid question. I shou- I shouldn’t have asked…”

“Hey, look at me” He says tenderly lifting up your chin “There’s absolutely nothing stupid when it comes to you” His voice at least an octave lower, strongly remarking the word nothing. You nod, he pecks your lips “Now, are you going to tell me what’s that about?”

“Just same ol’ me and my little nagging insecurities. I mean, can you seriously blame me? Look at you! You’re a gorgeous Greek god looking blue eyed hot and talented actor, me… well I’m just me” He growls

“Stop… I know where this is going. I love you, I choose you, I married you. Maybe I don’t say it out loud enough and maybe I haven’t done my best to show you my love in every possible way to wash away your doubts but I wouldn’t change you for anything in the world!” His love-filled voice pulling at the deepest strings of your heart. Stray tears escaping from their concealed confine.

“What did I do to deserve you?” You say kissing the corner of his curling up lips

“No, what did I ever do to deserve YOU...” He passionately crashes his lips on yours, pouring all of his love and passion on it. You make out until you’re lightheaded and in need of air. 

“Now, what do you say if we eat breakfast before it goes cold?” He smiles, carefully shifting in bed to place the tray on your lap

–*—*–  
Nothing else was said after that heartfelt reassurance of your love for each other. The rest of the week passed by like a blur. When you realized, it was already the day that you were dreading for. You don’t know why but recently everything was harder to handle, and to keep it together was becoming a strenuous task. You knew how much Chris had struggled with anxiety himself and after Marvel he was just falling back into some kind of normalcy, that was something that you didn’t want to take away from him. This heinous monster was yours, and you would hold the reins back for as long as you could even if your hands bleed you wouldn’t let them go. With your newfound strength you turn around to see Ilaria stepping into the room.

“Hello Mrs. Evans. How are you?” She playfully smirks, perfectly knowing how you have asked her multiple times to simply call you by your name, but you loved your playful bantering. 

“Good as usual ‘lary’” You say taking the dress from her and smoothly try it on. She makes some last minute adjustments and turns you to the mirror. You were amazed at how good it made you look. She definitely had a talent to make anyone look hot!

“Wow, I knew that it would fit you like a glove but you never fail to surprise me girl!” You both laugh at it “Well, I think my job is done here and...”

“It’s now my turn!” A very excited Jen says “Do you have something in mind for tonight?”

“Just make me beautiful” A hesitant smile reaches your face

“That’s impossible! Because you already are gorgeous! But I can try my best to highlight that beauty!” She answers while spreading out her arsenal of beauty products. You simply closed your eyes and let her work her magic on you. In all honesty you never knew the difference between a sponge and a brush, you were more of a natural look girl, some BB Cream, powder, blush, mascara and lipstick. “All done! Go break a leg!”

You thank them both as you make your way downstairs where an eager Chris was impatiently waiting for you

“Wow… babe you are… ” He doesn’t get to finish he just licks his lips as he pushes you closer to him

“Easy there tiger. We don’t want to ruin the hard work of Lary and Jen”

“Is that it?? Cause I was thinking that maybe we could skip the whole event and get straight to dessert” His husky voice against your ear sending shivers down your spine, you heart beat dangerously rising

“As tempting as that sounds and as nervous as I am you’re not being let off the hook that easy. Meg would hate me and she would kill you!” You scold him playfully poking his chest with your french manicure finger. He lets his brand deep-belly-and-hand-on-peck laugh and you can’t but to fall deeper in love with him

–*—*–  
“You ready babe?”

“You know that I’ll never get used to these things, right?” You mutter with slightly sweating palms

“I do… I do...” He holds your hand and brings it to his lips, letting a feather like kiss on them “I’m here, I’ll always be here...” One last kiss to your temple and you make your way out of the limo

Bright lights and camera flashes going on from every direction, thousands of endless questions. You feel his reassuring hand give a gentle squeeze on your waist. ‘I can do this’ Your mental mantra for the night. You slowly make your way through the sea of reporters, cameras, security and staff. As usual, you follow Chris and Meghan’s lead, posing around for the cameras, Chris whispering sweet nothings into your ear making you laugh and giving that way the perfect shot for everyone to see. You happily sigh when you’re passed the red carpet and are now moving towards the reception area.

You were wrong thinking that the worst had happened. The moment you step a foot inside the crowded place, you feel your chest tighten at the shrinking space and reduced air. You’re thankful for the cold water served on the tables, as you drink it whole in a gulp

“You ok, babe?”

“Yeah, just quite thirsty” You lie through your teeth

“Sure?” You don’t answer him afraid that your voice would betray you, you just nod as he returns his attention towards his previous conversation. Not without keeping a comforting hand rubbing soft circles on your knee. ‘God bless his golden heart…’  
Time passes by extremely slowly, despite your humble origins, you did take some protocol and etiquette classes and knew how to handle yourself quite well on this type of events. Once it was over it was ‘party time! Yay!, please catch the sarcasm here’. 

You knew the drill..

The occasional talk here and there, a few awkward handshakes and french kisses with people you barely knew or not at all, a glass of champagne and soda. Impossible not to steal, every once in a while, a good look of the manly sculptures moving around in their designer suits and expensive watches. Nor to ignore the stunning women in vintage dresses and flashy jewels. A tiny pang of jealousy curses through your veins, but then you remembered your husband’s words earlier that week on that fateful morning and an inward smirk quickly finds its way. 

You just didn’t expect the sudden dim turn of events... 

You were comfortably snuggled up into Chris’ side, his hand securely wrapped around your waist, Meghan attentively standing at the other flank. An innocent conversation with a seemingly important businessman with a dazzling woman by his arm, the kind of woman that turns everyone’s heads around, the one with the luscious curves and kissable lips, the one all men desire...At that moment you feel your heart constrict on your chest, is not jealousy of the one in front of you, Chris hadn’t even given her the side eye at all! It was all you. You and your own insecurities, you and the ever growing monster living inside your head, you and the invisible ropes of anxiety tightly tied around you…

Did you hear that right?

You were somewhat used to the intentional offensive remarks thrown your way, but not just had you developed a strong shell around yourself but life taught you how to wield sarcasm and sassiness as your shield. But this time around it stroke you hard and deep, like claws ripping through your guts. 

“I’m sorry what?” You ask him with an incredulity filled voice

“I didn’t mean to sound so… straightforward” He didn’t try to apologize! The nerve! “But i’ve been on this industry for as long as I can remember, probably even before you were born, and you just don’t strike me as the marry type of girl of young men in Hollywood”

“And says you! HA!” You unashamedly chuckle on their faces “You! Whose date tonight could easily pass as their own daughter?!” Evident shock on their face, you catch Meghan’s agape mouth and you can feel Chris’ rising anger

“Excuse me!?” His companion interjects

“I’m NOT talking with you!” Your fiery eyes more than enough of a threat to make her quiet down “I’m sooooo NOT going to apologize for simply exposing the truth. But DEFINITELY my husband’s life choices and our marital life is absolutely NONE of your business. It’s Mrs. Evans to you. And I’m NOT going to stand here for another second to listen to ANYTHING that your self-absorbed self has to say” You watch Meghan’s horror stricken face, ‘GREAT! I probably just created a PR nightmare for her to handle!’, but you can’t bare to look at Chris’ disappointed face. You bolt out of the room towards the closest bathroom.

–*—*–  
You don’t hear what they said. As you enter the bathroom you immediately let go with your back against the door. You could feel your entire body shaking, the air kicked out of your lungs, your knees giving out on you. You slide against the wall, bringing your knees up to your chest, uncontrollable tears falling down your cheeks, makeup be damned! Your heart is shattered and the monster broke free of its cage. You heave trying to breath, you angrily bite your lip drawing blood to stop you from screaming. You want for a hole to open up on the floor and to swallow you whole!  
You don’t hear the door open up, you’re lost into your own world. That’s until you feel a familiar pair of strong arms wrapping around you, rocking you back and forth like you would do to a baby. He whispers sweet nothings into your ear. You just cry to your heart’s content. 

Then you hear his voice…

“Sshhshhh… I’m here. I’m always here...” Chris says tightening his grip on you. You can feel a drop fall onto your hair, and right then you realize he’s crying too. You are afraid to look up. One word comes out from his sweet lips “BREATHE” You body reacts to him before your mind processes his word. No words are spoken after. You cry into his chest, holding into his arm for dear life. Feeling your breathing slowly come down to normal, you finally speak 

“Please, take me away” You voice barely above a whisper. He nods, helping you to stand up and quickly following you out the door

–*—*–  
You lose track of Meghan or anyone else for that matter. You just watch outside the window the entire way back home. You can feel Chris’ anger and frustration flowing out of him and hitting your core in waves. ‘Is it for me?’ The thought soon invades your mind. Soon, you are home, Chris loosens up his tie and drops his suit jacket on the couch, and you, you want nothing but to run upstairs and take a bath, but he had other plans

“Wait, please” Chris grabs your wrist softly pulling you towards him. You can feel the tears starting to prick your eyes “Let’s talk” You nod following his lead, knowing that you can no longer ignore what’s going on. He takes seat on the armchair and softly pulls you to seat on his lap. You feel his hand swirling patterns on your lower back 

“I’m sorry… I’m sorry… I embarrassed you in front of them!” You mumble into his chest, holding into him for dear life. 

“What?? NOOO!” His clearly strained voice sounds through the space. He pulls you away just enough so that you can look at him. He sweetly cups your face on his hands, That man was a vicious piece of shit” He says caressing your face, pulling a fallen lock of hair behind your ear “I’d never blame you for others actions.” You needed to hear that “You are my WORLD. And I would be damned if I let someone like him to insult you in front of me and to simply walk away unscarred” 

‘Oh, no…’

“Chris, what did you do?” You say scared of his answer

“Be calm, I did nothing that would cause Meghan to want to cut my head off. Just a ruined very expensive suit, my oath to never let my name to be linked in any professional or personal way to him, his business or any of his affiliates, and a very diplomatic warning for him to keep his mouth shut about what happened tonight” You just nod, “I’m sorry that you had to experience that, I should have seen it coming sooner”

“Sshh, just like you didn’t blame me, don’t beat up yourself over it” You rest your forehead on his

“Do you want to talk about what happened in the bathroom?” You nod no, he pressed his lips into a thin line. There’s a shift on the air, he pushes another lock of hair behind your ear, lustfully touching your leg up and down. You seductively bite your lower lip and he’s soon kissing you breathless, you make out until your hair is disheveled, your lipstick smudged and his hand is expertly zipping down your gown

“So, what do you say if we go take a shower?” He kisses your temple, you stand up letting the dress fall down at your feet, leaving you in nothing but a see through lace panty. His eyes previously filled with adoration and love now visibly darkened with lust. You take his hand and make your way upstairs. You are instantly on his arms, legs wrapped around his waist, his clothes being carelessly thrown everywhere, his lips are on every part of you, backs colliding on walls, a few objects crashing down. He pours his every feeling and emotion into loving you, right below the water he shows you just how much you mean to him. There’s an urgency to it but it’s not rushed. A fervent desire and desperate caresses filled of love and burning passion.

–*—*–  
You are now laying on bed, relaxing onto his chest, as he pets your hair and arms. You love him, he deserves more, he just showed it to you.

“In the bathroom there...”

“You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to babe”

“No, I do. You need to know. I’ve been lying straight to your face telling you that everything was alright when in reality my entire world was crashing down inside” He doesn’t interrupt you, he keeps going with his loving touches “It wasn’t the first time it happened, it has been getting worse and worse every day. It’s usually under control but it gets bad whenever that I have to show up to these events with you. Feeling the eyes of the world on me… I know I sound selfish when you’ve been the one in the spotlight for so many years and here I am whining about a few events here and there but... ” He takes this as his cue to jump in

“No, don’t say that. You have all the right in the world to feel this way! I mean, I hate them myself, it was oblivious of me not to notice how much this was affecting you before”

“How could you know if I never told you?” You both chuckle at that “I got very good at concealing it. My insecurities just bunched up and joined the growing anxiety I started to feel after we went public. I recognized the signs on myself after having been there for you so many times. I wanted to tell you but I refrained myself from doing so. After everything that you went through with the Marvel press tours and red carpets...I thought it would be selfish of me to add another burden over your shoulders when I could deal with it by myself, until I no longer could...” You look up to him, he sighs with teary eyes but with his gorgeous smile on

“Honey, please, listen to me carefully” Your name sweetly falling from his lips “Never hold anything that’s hurting you to yourself. I don’t expect you to tell me everything, but we’re married. I can’t bare the thought of you hurting in silence when I could be there holding you in my arms. You’re no longer alone sweetheart, whatever it is good or bad, please promise me that next time you will come to me” You see the tears fall from his eyes and it shatters your world, you love him, he loves you. Nothing’s going to change that. 

“I promise.”

“Good, tomorrow we’ll call up my therapist to book an appointment for you. He will help you to handle the anxiety better. I’ll be there with you. Ok?”

“Yes, Sir!” You give him a mocking salute. He laughs hugging you tighter

“Do you remember our wedding vows?”

“How could I ever forget?”

“Good, then please never do” He interlocks your hands with his “You are my world, my everything, you are the reason my heart beats...I swear to be always there for you no matter what, to protect you from everything and from everyone, to love you today, tomorrow and always. As we’ll be together..”

“Forever...” You both say it at unison.

“I love you” 💖

“I love you too” 💖

And with love embracing you and hearty smiles on the night befell upon you.  
–*—*–

**Author's Note:**

> Thank You for reading! 💖 💖 💖 These took me an entire week to finish it, between writing, editing, proofreading... But I’m happy about the end result. As usual, all feedback is more than welcomed! 
> 
> Be safe!


End file.
